Even though it's not true, sometimes it feels like God hates us.....

I have really neglected writing over the last few months for several reasons…..

a.       I guess the top reason would be is that our lives have been ripped apart….while in Ecuador, Denise told me the name in Spanish of an animal that has been flipped on its back, paws flailing about because it cannot ‘right’ itself…and YES, that is exactly how I feel…

b.      I also spend inordinate amounts of time searching for something to wear….why is that? Well, since we moved, my clothes at the rental house are in about 5 different places and a lot of them are still packed on the trailer.

c.       I am still in grad school, so I am working on homework.

d.      I am working 40 hours now, which I have not done in 5 years, and I have never worked til 5pm, so it’s taking me a long time to adjust.

e.      Well, and you know, being a wife and mother are also time consuming, and at this time, I feel like I’m pretty crappy at that.

My moods fluctuate minute-by-minute, so Matthew has put up with a lot…he will definitely get some jewels in his crown on my account. If you are wanting and/or needing to read something positive and uplifting, this may not be the place for you at this time; well, today at least.

I have tried to remain positive, hopeful, full of faith, anxiously anticipating a glorious deliverance from this pit of despair, this valley of darkness, trusting that His timing is perfect and that all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose; and that what men intended for evil God intended for good….believe me, I have all those memorized and recite them often, but honestly……I AM TIRED….I AM WORN OUT….I AM HURTING….SEEING MY HUSBAND HURTS MAKES ME WANT TO HURT SOMEBODY

As I said, if you are wanting a ‘this life is glorious and I am taking full joy in this trial’….today is not one of those days, folks. Life is real, sometimes it sucks, being a Christian if you are really living for God, is TOUGH. We need prayer. Lots of people have prayed for us and I truly believe that. We are not out of the woods yet.

I am thankful that weeping only lasts for a night and that joy comes in the morning….believe, I am WAITING for the MORNING. When is it gonna get here ‘cause this ‘night’ has been 1060+ days and I AM TIRED. [if you are wondering how I came up w/that number, I talked about it in a previous post, back in July, I think].

At my last job, I could hide in my back office and cry….and believe me, I did A LOT of that this summer. I didn’t really have to see anyone and God knew that, so that was nice. But at this job, I have to stuff it all, answer the phone in a peppy voice, put on a nice smile to greet people who are also hurting and looking for a job.

This is the real deal…being on church staff and being a staff wife is HARD. We are not PERFECT, people. But believe me, being called by God to do this work is the real deal. It is not for everyone. Is answering the call tough? Certainly. Are there days when you want to say, enough, I’ve had enough. Can you take back that calling, God?  Yes, yes, yes. But it doesn’t work that way. People genuinely called by God feel it in their spirits, they feel it in their bones.