A Little More on today...

As a mother, the most difficult thing about this whole experience, is the fear that the bonding with DanNi, for me, may not occur. That is always a possibility with the adoptive mother, which makes complete sense, for a little girl who has been completely let down, rejected and basically lied to by every woman who once was significant in her life. In her mind, I'm probably just the next female who will reject her. Trust takes time, and I know that...it's just soooo hard, whenever I try to just as so much look at her, she turns her head...when I try to pat her back or arm, she squirms away...when I try to pat her head, she jerks it away. She is so strongly rejecting any action of love...again, I know that is normal, but it sure doesn't make it any easier.

Today we went with the sweet family from Portland to a huge park near the hotel with an amusement park inside (like the Athens Kiddie Carnival, but a little bigger). The first ride we came to, DanNi refused to get on. Part of me, after endless trying to communicate, show love, etc...is moving past the hurt for her, and onto frustration...that she is not making any effort at all. Again, this is normal...and esp. for a pre-teen! Aggghhhh!!  So, we try joking around. The communication barrier is a HUGE issue. We came to the next ride and we'd paid for all these tickets and I told myself, we were NOT leaving the park without her riding something, even if she frowned the whole time. We pointed to the ride and she shook her head 'no'. (side note: we find out later, she knows the alphabet, multiplication, division, fractions, some sight words, etc. but she is REFUSING to verbalize anything) Finally, I took one ticket out of Matthew's hand, gave it to her, and told her she had to pick who she was riding with.

She enjoyed several rides today (although she never wanted to ride w/me or Matthew), the whole time, trying to conceal her smile. We tried to joke about that, but she didn't think it was too funny. I mean really, when you want to pull your hair out, you have to survive the little moments w/some laughter, right?
 It was 100F in the shade w/about 100% humidity...lots of sweating!! We left the park and went to 7-11 to get some water and look for lunch. DanNi refused to pick something out for lunch, so part of me wants to think, "okay, you are the one who will be hungry. We are providing EVERY opportunity for you to eat." I know this is stubbornness, borne out of frustration and grief, so we are trying to be as patient as possible w/her, while trying not to ignore Meredith and JJ.

We got to the room and I got out some leftovers, cold fried rice and cold spaghetti. We have no microwave in the room. I gave her a choice and she chose the cold rice...I opted for cold spaghetti. You do what you gotta do! We are surviving at this point. Still, no communication. We decided to go swimming and she said 'no'. We all put our suits on and at least she came with us. I had decided she was not going to get her way by making one of us stay in the room with her. I put her suit in the bag in case she changed her mind, which she never did. It's almost like she can't allow herself to have fun (b/c she had a blast on Thur. at the pool) b/c that means she may be accepting a little of us as her family; and at the same time that means she is letting go of her past.

In the middle of the frustration and hurt, I am constantly trying to remind myself, I cannot even begin to imagine how she feels...and I think of how stubborn I can be and how patient He is with me...gently guiding me and walking with me..even on the rockiest of roads, when I am most unlovable and am shoving Him away with all my might. We have to keep drawing her in.....this is just a completely different process than w/JJ, but we know He has called us to this, so we have peace. I really do...in my heart, I have peace.

When we come home, please remember DanNi and how much she has been through. You may not see a smile for a looooonnng time (we hope it is soon though) and that is okay. It is not about us....it is about her. This has become moment by moment survival. Just as Matthew said, the stress and exhaustion leaves us wondering during the day, "Now what day is this?" That normally does not occur at home...but this is definitely not an everyday expericence. This is life-changing. Just as JJ's adoption changed the landscape of our family; DanNi's adoption is also...and we pray that our family is becoming the beautiful picture of love He has designed for us.

After dinner we walked down from the hotel and I was so hoping we'd find a bookstore....we did! DanNi chose 3 books and she seemed very proud of them. I gave her a pen and told her to write her name in them. She did. She is sleeping with Meredith again, which hurts JJ's feelings; so we are trying to deal with that, too. No tears at bed time tonight...we are making progress. Thank-You, Jesus. We prayed before bed and we both kissed her head. She did not jerk away. Slowly, I think slowly, she is allowing herself to be loved.

Side note: She has a bad infection on her left foot that she had in the orphanage and did not tell anyone about it for a long time. She did get medicine, though. It looks like it is healing, but it could be serious. Also, we found out yesterday at the med. exam, she needs glasses. We don't know how bad her vision is, but it's something that needs to be corrected and we were told we have to wait until we get home for that. She also has a lot of scars on her arms and legs, and I am concerned about that...we don't know the origins...we have not asked her either. Hopefully in time we will know.

Much love and please continue sending your prayers to China for us!