Is my mouth still gaping open?

Let me preface this posting with a paraphrase from Dr. Russell Moore’s book Adopted for Life. ‘No amount of trauma is more powerful than the Name of Jesus.’ I clung to that while we were waiting to adopt DanNi and would frequently pray for mental healing; assuming she’d endured some pretty terrible things, just based on the little we knew at the time from her past. I have continued to pray for healing and wholeness; for deliverance and grace on her behalf. He has provided immeasurably more than we could imagine, but I still know that this journey will be a lifetime for her, and for us. DanNi has shared some things with us that happened at the orphanage. However, I was definitely not prepared for what she told me yesterday.

Yesterday on the way home from the doctor, DanNi recounted this to me:

D: I wonder what it feels like to die.

Me: Why?

D: Some babies at the orphanage died.

Me: Really?

D: Yes

Me: What happened when they died?

D: The kids had to take them downstairs to a room.

(my God in heaven, I was thinking..did you just say "kids took the dead babies to the basement?")

Me: What do you mean?

D: Babies died. They were yellow.

Me: And your friends carried them to the basement? Where did they put them? On a table, a chair?

D: They laid them on the floor. We go back in a few days to see if they still there. Lots of ants on babies.

Me: Wow. Did you ever have to do that?

D: Yes

Me: How many times?

D: I don't remember. One. No, maybe two.

(at this point I was sick to my stomach and could hardly keep the car on the road)

Me: Why didn't the adults take the babies to the room?

D: They not want to.

Me: So they made the kids do it?

D: Yes. A few adults did. Three or four not want to.

Me: So the babies were on the floor and you would check a few days later to see if they were still there?

D: Yes. Sometimes they still there. Lots of ants and flies. I saw a mouse eating the baby. Lots of blood on the floor.

(I am sick typing this and still can hardly believe what she told me).

Me: I am so, so sorry honey. You should have never had to do that. I am so sorry. Thank you for telling me.

D: Yeah. I was eight.

Me: Have you told your sisters about that?

(she has confided in her 10 yo sister alot we have discovered)

D: No. I not think she want to know.

Me: No, she doesn't need to know that. Please don't tell her. She would have bad dreams.

D: I know. I had lots of bad dreams about that.

And we arrived at my in-laws, walked in the door like nothing happened, as my mind was reeling.

 Dear God in heaven, my precious 13 year old daughter just told me she has carried dead babies to a basement, laid them on the floor, and checked back later, only to find them being eaten by flies, ants and mice. I don’t know if I will ever get over knowing that. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much last night. So, where do we go from here? I honestly don’t know. I took a walk yesterday afternoon and just wept. I know her story is only one of millions, MILLIONS, just like that and there are worse ones even. I know that. Nothing surprises me anymore, unfortunately.

Our world is full of stark, ugly SIN, and many of us, me included, pretend that it doesn’t exist, while CHILDREN like DanNi, are the victims.  And then I think, when she was doing that horrible thing, I was probably debating, “Should I wear the red or the blue sweater?”  I wonder when, just when, will the reality of the poverty and atrocities sink in to a level, that I will do something about it?

AND WHAT ADULT Makes A KID DO THAT??? You would be thrown in prison for child abuse, mental and emotional abuse, for doing that here.  My heart is broken, truly broken again. I ask myself again, what do I do now? I will continue to advocate for orphan care. Her story reiterates again that children were created for families….not foster homes, not institutions, not group homes, not treatment programs, not orphanages, but FAMILIES.

 And it is our responsibility to act on their behalf. If I call myself a Christian, a disciple and ambassador for Christ, I cannot remain silent and sit still.

I read another great quote from the study A Hole in Our Gospel- “Don’t fail to do something just because you can’t do everything.”—Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision

I think a lot of people use that excuse, because they feel practically helpless. I did that for years, until I realized that God wants to use me to do what He created me to do…not what He created you to do, but what He created me to do. He showed me that I can do something; I can do one thing; I can help a little, using the gifts He has blessed me with…for they are His anyway, not mine. Maybe we need to quit with the “I give up…there’s too much to do…too much poverty…too many orphans…too many homeless” attitude and start with something, one thing. We are His hands and feet, created in advance for good works. Let’s use them for His glory!

So, while I think about that, my mind wanders back to the conversation DanNi and I had yesterday. Is my mouth still gaping open? No, but my heart is. I think it was Bob Pierce who also said, “Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours.”
 
Please continue to pray for DanNi--complete healing-- and for us--wisdom. I do truly believe that the powerful Name of Jesus can heal the scars on her heart and mind.